Marion's New Bin
by Bobby South
Summary: Gary gets a new job and Destiny is looking forward to her new lifestyle, but her pals from her backyard can't resist stalking her.


Quietness surrounded the Domino's building one night. Then a boy came out to take the rubbish out to the dumpster. After he went back in, Marion the cat appeared out of the rubbish.

"Ah, this is the life," he sighed. "Domino's pizzas. An all help-yourself service. Mozzarella, pepperoni, onions, bacon, anchovies, cat poops, children's vomit – Wait a minute. I do not eat anchovies."

Then he looked around. "Oh, they even have drinks here."

He picked a bottle of Clorox and started to drink it.

"Marion!" cried a voice near the dumpster. Marion stopped drinking and looked out of the dumpster to find his best friend Nelson the fox.

"Oh, Nelson," greeted Marion. "Want some pizza?"

"Marion, that's bloody Clorox!" snapped Nelson.

"Yes and it tastes so tasty," smiled Marion.

"Marion, you know that it's bleach, not milk, and it can poison you?" asked Nelson.

"Of course I knew that," replied Marion. Then he turned around. "I did not know that."

Marion started to groan and went deeper into the dumpster. Nelson shook his head as he heard vomiting noises from the dumpster.

* * *

The next morning, Nelson and Kali were at the back of The Lord Nelson. Then a groaning Marion arrived with his paws on his stomach.

"'Bin' kicked out of Domino's, eh?" joined Kali.

"It is so hard to find a decent bin these days," moaned Marion.

"So is finding a good home and a job," added Nelson. "It's all due to this bloody economy."

"Well, I know a way to fix it," said Kali.

"How, Kali?" asked Nelson.

"I go over and murder them," said Kali.

"And keep all the money to yourself," added Nelson.

"Well, I wouldn't do it for nothing, would I?" said Kali.

Then Destiny appeared. She seemed to be in a very excited mood. "Guess what! Guess what!"

"You found the dog of your dreams?" said Kali without any interest.

"No!" snapped Destiny.

"Is it – " Nelson pointed to himself.

"No!" interrupted Destiny. "Gary has been offered a new job. A better job. He's going to be the new bartender at the Hilton hotel."

"What, that kind of hotels that's in the name of Paris Hilton's ancestors?" said Kali.

"When can we come to visit?" asked Nelson.

"Hmm, probably never!" replied Destiny. "Anyway, I'd better go and pack. Later, low-lifes!" And, with that, she was gone.

"Oh, what if I will never see her again?" asked Nelson.

"But you can," said Kali. "The hotel's only five miles away."

"Are you sure?" asked Nelson.

"Who's the one with wings and flies around these parts?" came Kali's reply.

"Does that hotel have nicer bins than these around here?" asked Marion.

"Only five miles away?" cried Nelson. "David Tennant, I'd better go and pack!" And he dashed off to his place.

* * *

With _I Dreamed a Dream_ by Susan Boyle playing in his den, Nelson was putting his things into his suitcase.

"Hey! Hey! Hey!" shouted Vince as he approached Nelson. "What is this (beeping) crap racket?"

"That is Susan Boyle," replied Nelson.

"What, that old overrated Scottish woman who didn't even win that crappy show? (Beep) this!"

"As if she didn't had enough bullies in her life," muttered Nelson. Then he saw Vince took the CD out and started eating it! He even ate the CD cover. "Vince, I was going to take that with me!"

"Oh, well, you should've (beeping) told me!" shouted Vince. "God, use your (beeping) head!"

As Vince left, Nelson just shook his head and continued packing. "I shall be glad to get away from this place."

* * *

Destiny was very excited as she and her owner Gary was approaching the Hilton.

"Oh, my god!" Destiny cried happily. "Oh, my god! I'm going to live in better accommodations, get free _better_ food and have better toilet facilities! Although I'll probably miss smelling my own wee and poop."

"All right, Destiny," said Gary. "This is where we live."

Destiny was shocked. It wasn't the Hilton – that was on the other side on the road. She was looking at a flat and not a pretty-looking one either.

They went inside and into the flat. Destiny felt like she had never left The Lord Nelson. And the flat was even smaller.

"This is just like Del and Rodney's flat," moaned Destiny.

"Now you just relax and settle here," said Gary, "while I go and sort everything out at the hotel." And, with that, he shut the door and walked out.

"Thanks a lot, Gary!" Destiny shouted behind the door.

* * *

About two miles away from the Hilton, Nelson appeared in front of a den with a blue door. He pressed the doorbell and the door opened.

"Who the hell are you?" shouted an old male fox.

"I'm Nelson, Mr. Oldman," replied Nelson. "And I'm your new tenant."

"Well, come in, then!" shouted Oldman the fox.

Nelson nervously followed him with his suitcase. This den was even messier than his den with Vince in it. Oldman's bed was broken and its straw was all over the place. The armchair was worn and everywhere was full of roots and dirt.

"Lovely place you got," said Nelson.

"Now, here is the schedule for everyday," said Oldman who held a piece of paper. He gave it to Nelson.

The young fox read the list. "'Breakfast at six o'clock. Bath time at seven o'clock. Time for walks is at eight o'clock'. Why do I need to go for a walk?"

"To walk me, you idiot!" snapped Oldman.

"But you're a fox, not a dog," said Nelson.

"I still need the exercise and I can't exercise myself at my age, can I?" snapped Oldman.

"Martin Freeman, this is worse when I visited Japan in 2011," moaned Nelson.

_Nelson_ _was lying on soaked wooden plank in the middle of the flood in Miyako. The water was calm and still and Nelson was asleep. Then he woke up and saw he was surrounded by water and the whole town was in ruins._

_"Matt Lucas, what happened?" he asked. _

* * *

Destiny was sleeping by the door. Then banging woke her up. She looked ahead to see Kali banging her beak on the window.

Destiny got up and opened the window. "What do you want, Kali?" she snapped. "I was just enjoying a well-deserved nap."

Kali flew in. "Well, you haven't put up any signs saying 'Don't Disturb the Dog's Lazy Nap'," she protested. "By the way, I saw Gary at the hotel but not you."

"That's because I've been locked in this flat!" snapped Destiny.

"And you didn't think of escaping?" Kali went on.

"With what? I've got nothing in here to get me out, let alone the keys," moaned Destiny. Then she saw Kali was relaxing on Gary's bed. "What are you doing on that bed?"

"Taking a crap," replied Kali.

"What? Why? I'll have to change Gary's bed before he gets back now."

"Or you could use those bed sheets for a different purpose, you know," said Kali.

This _did_ give Destiny an idea.

Destiny finally touched the pavement after the long rope of bed sheets and pillow cases.

"Made it!" she said, feeling proud of herself.

Up in Gary's flat, Kali watched Destiny made her way to the Hilton. "Thanks for helping you get down," she shouted to Destiny. "You're welcome – not!"

* * *

It was time for Nelson to take him to Mr. Oldman for his four o'clock walk. By walking, Nelson was walking while Oldman was sitting in a wheelchair.

"Hurry up, you weak, useless arse-wipe!" shouted Oldman. "I give you a room of free-rent and you repay me by disappointing me?"  
"Well, I – "

"Just shut up and get me back to my house in time for my six o'clock Fish Fingers!" yelled Oldman. "And they'd better be better than yesterday's!"

"Not my fault the gas cooker wouldn't behave itself," Nelson whispered to himself.

Nelson and Oldman passed the Hilton. It gave Nelson an idea. "As I don't have to pay rent, how about I take you somewhere nice to show my appreciation for letting me stay?" he suggested to his landlord.

"Well, okay, but it better be damn well good!" Oldman warned him.

* * *

Destiny was waiting for two waiters to finish their smoking. Then they threw their cigarettes to the ground and went inside. Destiny went to the back door.

"Okay! Okay!" she cried excitedly. "I'll go in, reveal myself to Gary and beg him to give me – "

Then the dumpster started to rumble. The lid opened and out came Marion.

"Hello, dog whose name I can't even remember," said Marion, as he held an empty bottle of Jacob's Creek.

"How many bottles have you had, Marion?" asked Destiny.

"Let me see," said Marion. "I think I had one bottle. Or two. Or three. Or four. Or – "

"Well, if you drink anymore," said Destiny, "you won't be to walk home, will you?"

"What are you talking about?" snapped Marion. "This _is_ my home."

"You're living here?" cried a shocked Destiny.

"And so I am," said Kali as she landed next to the drunken Marion. "Though I'm not moving into this dumpster with him. I'm building a new nest to the very rooftop."

Destiny groaned. "Could this get any worse?"  
"Hello, Destiny," said Nelson as he pushed Oldman.

Destiny screamed. "No, not tonight, Nelson! Just bugger off!"

"I'm just here to take my landlord Mr. Oldman for a nice meal," said Nelson. "And I thought you could help me, since Gary is the bartender."

"Why should I rob food for you guys?" asked Destiny.

"Because we won't bugger off while we're starving, will we?" said Kali.

"Oh, all right," sighed Destiny. And she sneaked into the kitchen.

Kali got out a mini bottle of Hardy's Shiraz. "Anyone for a drink?"

"I will have one!" cried Oldman.

"Give it to him," Kali ordered Marion.

"Okay," said Marion. And the bottle hit Oldman in the face and made him close his eyes.

"Oh, he went to sleep," said Marion. "Perhaps he's not thirsty."

"He's not asleep, Marion," said Nelson, who felt his pulse. "He's dead, you bloody moron!"

"Lucky him, then, eh?" said Marion. "Can I have a go after him?"

"Be my bloody guest," moaned Marion.

"Here is your food," said Destiny as she came out. She gave the plate to Nelson.

"Hmm, let's see," said Nelson as he examined the plate. "A half-eaten sausage, a toasted bap with nothing but has had a big bite out of it – "

"Must've been _that_ cheeseburger," said Destiny.

"And some sort of bits of stew in a yellow sauce," concluded Nelson.

"Oh, that's my puke," said Destiny. "Well, enjoy your meal and beat – "

"Destiny!"

Everyone turned around to see Gary.

"Jamie Oliver!" cried Nelson.

Next to Gary stood Jamie Oliver.

"Run!" yelled Nelson

The young fox ran, Kali flew away and Marion shut the lid behind him.

Jamie noticed the pieces of the broken plate next to Destiny.

"Gary, is this your dog?" Jamie demanded. "How often does she take food and gives it to pests?"

Gary didn't know what to say.

* * *

Back at the back of the Lord Nelson, Gary angrily dragged Destiny to the door and tied her lead to the doorknob.

"As punishment for getting me fired at the Hilton," Gary snapped to his dog, "and for taking a crap on that bed in the new apartment, you are not allowed in my pub for a fortnight and you will have only one meal a day." Then he went inside.

Then Nelson, Marion and Kali arrived.

"Destiny," said Nelson, "I just wanted to say – "

"Too late for that!" snapped Destiny.

"You know, if it wasn't for me," said Kali, "you wouldn't even have a taste from the Hilton."

"And look what good that has done!" snapped the dog. Then she sighed. "Look, I just want to be alone for two weeks."  
"Whatever suits you," said Nelson. He and Marion turned around and saw Vince in front of them.

"What about me?" Vince demanded. "Does nobody give a (beep) about me? Anyone (beeping) interested in what I've (beeping) been up to?"

"Nice to see you, too, Vince," said Nelson. "What have you been up too?"

"Well, I was going to visit my aunt Megan," said Vince. "Then I had a bit of car trouble."

* * *

_Vince was in a red car. The car was very similar to the Basil Fawlty one._

_"Start!" Vince shouted. "Start, you vicious (beeping) bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm (beeping) warning you! If you don't (beeping) start, I'll count to three! One! Two! Three! Right! That's it! I've (beeping) had enough!" He got out of the car. "You've (beeping) tried it on just once too (beeping) often! Right! Well, don't say I haven't (beeping) warned you! I've laid it on the (beeping) line for you time and time again! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a (beeping) good trashing!"_

_Like Fawlty, Vince walked away and came back to beat the car with a branch. "(Beep) you!" he shouted. And he repeated that as he kept on hitting the car with the branch. _


End file.
